To all my beautiful messes…

messe

 

Life can be f***ing cruel sometimes (sorry mom, I know…I owe you a dollar).

The world’s unfairness can knock the wind out of you. Falling hard and pressing its weight heavy on your chest. Adrenaline pumping as you gasp for air. Wanting desperately to fill your lungs but being unable to grasp it, unable to grab your breath and inhale the oxygen. The moments feeling like a lifetime.  Once you catch your breath, around the corner another blow hits. Right now in the solar plexus, you hear more news that burns holes in your soul and lets the pain flood in again.

The guilt follows that pain. Like a skeleton twin, closely behind but estranged from the pain. Presenting its pompous and pretentious demenour to the pain. Making sure we know that guilt holds the cards. Guilt that makes no sense. Guilt that tells you how to act, how to feel. Guilt that manipulates your logic. Guilt that masks its self in karmic intentions. The feeling of undeserving joy because pain is happening all around you. It connects your feelings, your choices, your words to the outcomes surrounding your pain. wrapping its self around you like a tightly wound coil. Burning slowly and breaking you down.

We know no more then what our reality is, and yet we drown in the pain around us. We feel the weight of it all on us.Wanting more then anything to fix the messes that we have noticed. That we have seen created around us. Spreading our energies out, thinly and conservatively, stomaching the blows.

We pay attention to the world. We see the beauty in the sunlight,  the treasure in the dark. But we feel the pain breaking our hearts. Because we pay attention.

The cheery face we wear, hoping to allow it to mask the pain that we feel. Hoping the smile hides the loneliness that we feel for the people we miss. Praying our laughter will help us to forget how each day can be a struggle because we pay attention.

Losing our grip in a second, crumbling below the straws that broke or humped backs. Anger, frustration, sadness into the wrong directions. Spewing out like a broken hose.

Because we feel like failures for not making it better, messes for not cleaning it up. But we are not. We feel to much, hurt to much and notice to much. We are Spirited, told to dial down the passion. Told to push back the tears, carry the weight, hold our tongue. Because WE are too much.

We are not a messes, I promise you. We simply notice. We simply See.

breaking down the tapestry of my soul with pain…,

Yesterday I was reading my favorite blog, Momestry by Glennon Doyle Melton. She had just written an article called ‘Pain is not a mistake’.

I read it and re read it. I shared it and bookmarked it. I made it part of my sub conscious, because it spoke truth and sunk deep.

For a long while, I have been dulling my pain. I have made it my full-time job.

Like she says in her writing;

“When you start to feel: do you numb with booze or food or shopping? Do you scroll, scroll, scroll to escape every time you’re left alone with your self? Or do you deflect discomfort with unkindness? All unkindness is pain deflection. Folks who think pain is a hot potato toss it to the next person so they don’t get burned. That’s all. People who are unkind just believe they can’t handle the pain that comes their way”

I do not numb with booze or drugs. But I numb, in all the ways I can. With food, keeping busy so my mind has nowhere to go, I go on online, I treat my loved ones with unkindness, I go shopping, I try to control everything. I hold so tight to my life so that my mind can no explore the pain that is bubbling. The pain that scares me. Because if I feel the pain, I lose all control. If I feel the pain, I become vulnerable. If I am vulnerable, I am scared.

My dear friends, I am vulnerable right now and very scared. So please, bear with me.

Our souls are like a beautiful tapestry of fabric. They spun uniquely to our own selves. Beautiful colors, stories and designs weaved into one another, creating the unique story of you. The fabric of our soul holds up the inner most beauty of our spirit. But pain breaks it down. Pain slowly tears at that fabric.

For years I have thought that pain I have been pushing away will ruin my soul. Destroy the beauty of the fabric. But last night as I lay in bed at 7 pm because my body could not hold me up anymore (The exhaustion from trying to mask the pain was too much for it.)  While I lay there, I had a thought. Maybe the tapestry was designed to be torn at. Maybe it is the shreds of beautiful fabric that is what is meant to be left. The tapestry on its own is beautiful, but even more stunning is the handy work of a patchwork quilt.

I have been seeing this all wrong. I have been afraid to feel pain, afraid of how it will destroy me. But instead, I am meant to feel it. We all are. Addictions, distractions and control have pushed me so far from vulnerability and truth.

It is hard to let go of past patterns, and I wish I could say Ihave let go and am better but I am still so afraid. Though, I know that change is coming and I am ready to let it go and become vulnerable.

I will let the pain destroy the fabric, cutting it into pieces. And to heal, I will learn to quilt. Creating beautiful art with what is left of me.

We want to KNOW what to do, we want to KNOW who we are, we want to KNOW our path so we can be less afraid and the only way to KNOW is to stop grabbing and running and striving and trying so hard to KNOW and just:

Be Still.

BE STILL and KNOW.

Let it be. Let pain do its work. You do yours. Be Still.

-Glennon Doyle Melton

Much love,

Jessica