Mom, you are always right. 

My mom texted me. We text now.  My mom and I, semi regularly…and I love it.

I love texting. It’s one of my favourite things to do. My day gets filled up conversations with people I adore talking to. I love talking, always. And now with today’s technology, having conversations in my own introverted world is so much easier…but that is a topic for another day. 😊

So now I text my mom.  I adore her conversations.  I adore talking to my mom.  So we talk more often, and her texting etiquette is getting so much better. 

Last Friday we were texting. I was telling her about a new tunic I had bought for a date night with courtney. We were heading to the NAC for a comedy show. I was telling her it was burgundy, how it was flowed, the linen was delicate and embroidered.  It was my new hippy tunic.  She joked with me to make sure I rubbed lavender on as well, to seduce court with… ( the smell of lavender is not is his favourite…it’s a big joke in our family, since the kids and I smell of lavender often) 

I responded to her text saying something along the lines of…’haha, gosh right?! We all know how much he loves my hippy perfume…lol…we are so different!’ 

My mom wrote me later in the day saying: ‘opposites attract, you should really write a book about that’ 

Confused, I responded with: ‘a book about a wannabe hippy girl who marries jockish boy  and how they created three kids who are hilarious melds of their opposite personalities?

She responded with ‘yes, and even I would read that book, and we both know how much I live to read…lol’ 

I though about that for a while. Writing a book. A book about me. The idea seems so indulgent. 

Because really what do I have to say that hasn’t already been said more brillantly, more beautifully and more clearly?

I know my mom would read it.  She loves me. She reads what I write, just like I read Chloe and Charlotte’s stories like they are Pulitzer Prize winning pieces of art. She hears my words like I hear the songs Canton creates with wonder and beauty. She sees the art I create like any parent sees their children’s art, like it is most breathtaking thing they have ever seen. 

Of course my mom wants me to write a book. My mom thinks her daughters can do anything. But did I believe I could write anything worth reading?  Do I believe anyone wants to read the words I write, the stories I weave?  My writing has no comparison to the beautiful words and stories already created. 

And then I was reminded of this quote I had saved on my google drive for just the right moment:

The answer is YES. You should write. Even though everything’s already been said beautifully. Even though there’s nothing new under the sun. Even so. Because there may be nothing new to say, but if you haven’t spoken up yet – then there is a new VOICE to hear. That’s all we have – our voices. No two are the same. No one sees the world QUITE like you do, and no one else can tell us your story QUITE like you could. You are our only chance to know you. You’re it. If you yearn to use your voice and you don’t – we will all suffer for it. Be brave. Be audacious enough to consider that your story is worth telling and your voice is worth hearing. The secret it- it IS. Your story and your voice are worthy of occupying some space in this world. Take it, Sister. Take your space.
Glennon Doyle Melton 

  I thought to my self, that quite possibly nobody wanted to read my words and that was ok. Just like anything we do, we should do it for ourselves first and foremost. We are our number one supporters. We need to carry ourselves through this life with fulfillment and beauty, if not, no one else will. We do what we love, we create for the love of ourselves, for fulfilling a dream, a destiny a purpose. We do all this for ourselves, Not the validation of others. 

I have my voice. My stories. And I write, I share for me. 

So mom, once again you are right. 

I should write a book, because I have always wanted to. Simply put because it seems right to me. 

Because I have a voice. 

A woman who is a complicated sometimes loner, a bossy oldest 1st born child. A woman who loves talking but sometimes gets scared of social interaction. A girl who often doubts the things she has said while nervous. I have the voice and words of a woman who loves poetry, has hippy dreams  but struggles to figure out who she is.  A girl who gets angry often, who gets easily excited, who feels guilty, who believes in love and trusts it always wins.  My voice is filled with laughter lost days, and sometimes a darkness that looms over head. A woman much too complicated, but yet held together with simplicity. 

And this girl married a sports loving boy, with a playful heart.  A man who loves to laugh. Who has complicated emotions.  Who easily makes mistakes and feels deep regret, very quickly. Who is harder on himself then anyone on the outside.  The youngest child mentality of carefree spontinatity. Who’s soul is so deep, sometimes it feels it takes an eternity for it to show its depth and for him to come up from the ravine. 

And these two created three lives.  A mash up of their unique beings.

The twin girls, who form a tapestry of eccentricity. Who souls wind into one other as fluid as water. Chloe with her  mothers anxious soul, her fathers competitive nature and her own deep artistic ways and Charlotte with her mother love of words, her own deep compassion and her father’s sense of humour. 

 A boy child , Canton, with his mothers fears and  ability to love hard, his father ‘s playful heart and his own way of seeing beauty in almost everything. 

These five are my story.  They are us. The voice I have been blessed with.  

With my voice I tell this story.  A story that only I get the privilege to share. Because like the beautiful Glennon Melton says, you voice and story are worthy of occupying space in this world. Take your space in this world. Take it sister! 

Much love, 

Jessica 

Three things I tell my self when the chaos is too much.

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This past 12 months have brought on alot of changes. Changes which have rocked my world, changed my direction and made me see things differently.
Not all these have been detrimental….but with changes come emotional adjustments. Good and bad. There comes periods of adaptation. Learning to change patterns and habits. There comes an adjustment of our reactions and expectations.
I have been slowly shedding the skin a former self and realizing that being the real me is always the best choice.
When the expectations of social requirements become too much, the chaos is simply over bearing, I have a few concepts that I tell my self before surrendering to the chaotic tidewave of life.

1. Do not rely on one person to be your everything.

I am married. We are committed to one another and share our life. Sometimes it’s hard sharing your life with another. But most of the time it is the most fulfillibg experience to witness the beauty and pain of the world with the one you love.
In those moments of marriage ectasy, it is easy to give into the idea that ‘They are my everything’. It easy to put your expectations of happiness in one person.
But that is not fair.
Over this last year, Through some rough times, CK and I have reconnected our appreciation for one another…as people. I am in love with a man that is funny and imperfect. He is enjoyable to spend time with. He is more then my partner, my co parent, my room mate, my lover…He is my best friend.
But his not everything.
He takes up most of the aura of my soul with his beautiful existence but there is room for more. More space to find what fulfills me. What makes me happy. What pushes me to change and grow. 
We are complex entities that require an array of people and ideas to fulfill us. Putting everything in one container shelters us from who we can be. It stifles our growth.

2. Not everyone has to like me.

This one is hard. I struggle with confidence on a good day.  Like most human beings, I believe the opinions of others dictates my worth.
It’s a common missconneption that most of us have bought it too, and it is rubbish.
Not everyone will like me. As I do not appreciate the company of everyone I meet. We are all allowed our opinions. That is a simple truth of our existence.
That truth does not design my truth.

3. The real me is better then a masked version.

I may be loud. Rude at times.
Excitable and intense. I may be reserved and moody. I may like to vent and tell stories. I am sometimes oblivious and ditzy. I am weird and insightful and I love with all of my heart. I am open to bringing my walls down and respectful to my world.
I am me. And watered down version of that is boring and  tasteless. The real me is sour and bold with an aftertaste of sweetness. I deserve to show that real side. The world deserves to have the real me in it.

It is OK if I don’t fit in everywhere. I may see exactly where I fit yet,  But my puzzle piece has a perfect spot. I just have to be patient and find it.

I do not have to surrender to ideals of social expectations. And neither do you. Your story is worth sharing. And we are worth it all.

Trust in today’s light 

I am trusting in today. 

Just today. Because that’s what I was given right now. Today. 

It is a general cliche, ‘one day at a time’. But really one day is all you need. Right now. 

It’s all I need right now. 

One day to praise. One days to love. One day to do it right. 

I don’t have the power or have not even given the supplies for the whole journey. My sound cannot carry the weight.  I have the gear for today. Exacly what I need. Exactly what I can carry. 

Today. 

That’s what I have. And I will light it up. 

   

Poetry: Not even for me

I have missed you. Blogging has become a side bar on my to do list. I have been writing a lot but my focus has been on poetry not the essays of before. I figured that sharing my poetry was not worth it, but what the hell. I love this blog, and I will share what I write. With my 29th birthday upon me and a time for prospective, I have realized even more my love of the written word. I love to forming words into art. Art from my soul. I have decided to do some writing courses and started school again. Back to college (kinda) I go. No class rooms but online courses to get a certificate in creative writing, and I begin in January. I plan to share more on this beautiful blog, even if it be introspective and odd, like my poetry can be. But true to form, it is me, and that is what this space represents.

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Day upon day, 

Evolving

             Changing.

Putting on my many hats. 

My many faces.

My many masks.  

                        The urge to go back is looming

                                                            deafening

But I know. 

I know, it doesn’t really matter

                                                  because I cannot go back,

                                                                                            because going back does not fit anymore. 

The size has changed. 

That old hat is out. 

The new hats are in. 

                                 Kicking and screaming, My feet are dragging. 

                                 Back to a time of simple, curled up existence

Lost in my mind, introspective

                                               Selfish

                                                          egocentric soulful journey’s

Now a director of my world, 

                                            Become entwined with the energies around me. 

Doing the work that is required, being the responsible one,

                                                                                             With sense

                                                                                             With purpose

Its not all bad? so why fight? 

Why? 

           Maybe be it the fear of adulthood, 

                                               Childhood innocence gone into the winds of ‘growing up’ 

                                                                                                                      conforming 

                                                                                                                   becoming a mature mother, wife, daughter, sister

The jobs of my womanhood

Time changes all.  

                             It stands still for no one. 

Not even for me, fighting or not. 

Much love,

Jessica

How slicing potatoes changed my whole outlook.

Slicing potatoes

It helps,
Putting my hands on a pot, on a broom,
In a wash
Pail.

I
Tried painting,
But it was easier to fly slice
Potatoes.

-Rabia of Basra

I read that poem this morning, and simply fell in love. The truth of it lay flat upon me. Staring me in the face.

Since motherhood has taken me in, I have struggled with ways to hone in on my creativity. I have blogged about this before, it is not news. It is a constant struggle for me to utilize my creative energy while still staying true to the reality of my everyday life.

I have made the decision to stay home with my kids, and provide care for other children. I love my decision and am generally happy with knowing that I made this choice. But I miss challenge and adults. I miss the world out there.

Somedays I thank god that I have been blessed with the life I have. Carefree kids on sunny days, giggle and hugs at random, smiles and bright colours. But Somedays I miss the other side of grass, the grass outside my house. Some days it seems greener.

I think if I was out ‘there’, I could use my creativity more. Not struggle with balance, and the need to challenge myself.

I know this to be untrue. If I worked outside my home, I am sure I would struggle with staying true to my creative soul. I know many woman that do. But it is so much easier to look away for solutions then to fix what is already established.

Reading this poem really allowed it to click for me.

Motherhood, accepting my role as the matriarch of my little family is creative. I clean, I cook , I bake. I put love into the snacks I bake. I put heart and soul into the laundry I fold. I put creativity into the food I cook. I just choose to not see it sometimes.

I forget that the work I do is powerful. The mundane and monotonous labour I preform in my home is the energy that keeps this family happy and content. Allowing them to go out into the world with a smile of kindness and love. The work I do is soulful.

The work we all do is powerful and full of truth. The labour we ALL do it full of our creative soul. We cannot help that. We are in everything that we preform and create.
From the lunch we make for our kids, the floor we mopped or the document we wrote. We are a part of everything. And that makes it special. That makes it unique because there is only one you. What you put into the world changes it. No matter how mundane or simplistic. We all have a voice, the power to change the world around us but using the simplicity of our lives.
You are powerful. The work you do it incredible and loving. Go out into the world and put heart into it. Even if only by fly slicing potatoes.

Much love,

Jessica

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Distancing from the chaos of my life…to enjoy the chaos of my day.

I write on my front porch most morning. I am up early with coffee and my journal and forge 20- 45 minutes of alone, quiet time. I sacrifice sleep for this moments. If you were to read my journal, the theme would jump out at you… I LOVE my alone time.

Re-reading some of my passages, I started to feel a little guilty about how much I love to be alone. I write about it a lot. So I had to think, do I like the rest of my chaotic day as much as my mornings alone?

And truthfully the answer was yes. I love my chaotic days. Full of screams, giggles and running around. I love the job that I have that allows me to stay home and dress in my favourite uniform ( yoga pants and a tee shirt). I love talking to kids, cuddling toddlers and laughing at preschoolers funny non-sensical jokes. I love the rest of my day, after I have had my alone time.

Key word here is ‘after my alone time’. I came to realize that if I don’t journal and sit alone for a bit each day, my life’s realities (financial stress, marital dynamics, home issues ect.) weigh heavy on my mind. When those thoughts are lingering in my subconscious, I do not enjoy my chaotic life. I am distracted and distant. I am irritable and snappy. It is not fun.

My chaos and my peace go hand and hand. I was made to be with kids. I was made to have many kids around playing and just simply being. But I can only handle the chaos if I remember that peace is needed. My mind needs peace from the overwhelming realities of life. I imagine we all need peace, but do we all actively search for it? We do need the counterbalance to survive. Most peoples days are so chaotic, no matter what you do. Those simple moments of peace are truly a necessity.

I have found my release with journaling, blogging and coffee. Some peoples might be yoga, meditating, sleeping, the gym, movies or tv, walks, running, or reading. Whatever it may be, find your peace. The thing you do to distance and calm the chaos of your life so you can handle the chaos of your day, we all need a little peace.

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Morning meditations

People will grow into the love they are shown. Show love. Give hope. Smile.

Today is a new day of beauty and light. Be thankful for what you are given. Be happy with the love and joy around you. We are who we present to the world. Show your best self. A self of love, gratitude and light. Today be kind. Be gentle. Live strong and free from resentment and judgement. Let today be a new day.

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