Three things I tell my self when the chaos is too much.

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This past 12 months have brought on alot of changes. Changes which have rocked my world, changed my direction and made me see things differently.
Not all these have been detrimental….but with changes come emotional adjustments. Good and bad. There comes periods of adaptation. Learning to change patterns and habits. There comes an adjustment of our reactions and expectations.
I have been slowly shedding the skin a former self and realizing that being the real me is always the best choice.
When the expectations of social requirements become too much, the chaos is simply over bearing, I have a few concepts that I tell my self before surrendering to the chaotic tidewave of life.

1. Do not rely on one person to be your everything.

I am married. We are committed to one another and share our life. Sometimes it’s hard sharing your life with another. But most of the time it is the most fulfillibg experience to witness the beauty and pain of the world with the one you love.
In those moments of marriage ectasy, it is easy to give into the idea that ‘They are my everything’. It easy to put your expectations of happiness in one person.
But that is not fair.
Over this last year, Through some rough times, CK and I have reconnected our appreciation for one another…as people. I am in love with a man that is funny and imperfect. He is enjoyable to spend time with. He is more then my partner, my co parent, my room mate, my lover…He is my best friend.
But his not everything.
He takes up most of the aura of my soul with his beautiful existence but there is room for more. More space to find what fulfills me. What makes me happy. What pushes me to change and grow. 
We are complex entities that require an array of people and ideas to fulfill us. Putting everything in one container shelters us from who we can be. It stifles our growth.

2. Not everyone has to like me.

This one is hard. I struggle with confidence on a good day.  Like most human beings, I believe the opinions of others dictates my worth.
It’s a common missconneption that most of us have bought it too, and it is rubbish.
Not everyone will like me. As I do not appreciate the company of everyone I meet. We are all allowed our opinions. That is a simple truth of our existence.
That truth does not design my truth.

3. The real me is better then a masked version.

I may be loud. Rude at times.
Excitable and intense. I may be reserved and moody. I may like to vent and tell stories. I am sometimes oblivious and ditzy. I am weird and insightful and I love with all of my heart. I am open to bringing my walls down and respectful to my world.
I am me. And watered down version of that is boring and  tasteless. The real me is sour and bold with an aftertaste of sweetness. I deserve to show that real side. The world deserves to have the real me in it.

It is OK if I don’t fit in everywhere. I may see exactly where I fit yet,  But my puzzle piece has a perfect spot. I just have to be patient and find it.

I do not have to surrender to ideals of social expectations. And neither do you. Your story is worth sharing. And we are worth it all.

When am I officially failing adulthood?

I feel like sometimes I am drowning in a sea of preconceptions. Of what my life should be like. Of where I should be going. Sometimes I feel I am sinking into failed choices. Failed goals. Dreams left unrequited.
I feel overwhelmed by my inability to keep up. My failings at not enough….

  • To write enough.
  • Read enough.
  • Bake enough.
  • Smile enough.
  • Run enough.
  • Self disciplined enough
  • Be smart enough.

Or my failing at being too much.

  • Too emotional
  • Too soft
  • too loud
  • too rude
  • curse too much
  • weight too much
  • indulge too much

 

when does if feel right to simply be enough.

When is being me enough? Β It feels near impossible when every moment has a part of it that makes me feel like I am failing adulthood.

A test I forgot to study for. A curriculum that I was not prepared for.

Adulthood.
Who signed me up for this?
Who thought this was a good idea?

A forced next step in the direction they tell me to go. That is what this feel like. Forceful organization of the masses to follow all the rules and be a certain way.

But when will they stop grading me? When will we stop comparing our marks?

And just get on with the story of being enough.

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