This weekend has been filled of moments that can only be described as ‘signs’. Spiritual or not, sometimes we can simply not deny the existences of theses wonders or signs. Moments when it is so completely obvious what you need to do, you just need to stop talking and listen.
Let me explain.
I dropped my ladies off at their great grandma’s for a sleep over. They were excited, she was excited, I was excited. It was nice. It allowed me to have some banking in some quality time with my Canty-boy. As a third child, he sometimes just gets dragged along in the process of the day. Just him and I was needed. Some moments of just him and daddy are needed too. So to start the morning off, I took some ‘me time’. My sweet son stayed home with daddy while I headed up to my sisters for a hair cut and color.
I left my sisters house feeling fresh and rejuvenated. My new hair was giving me a sense of confidence (interesting how ‘nice hair’ can really give you a spring in your step) and my sister and I set out plans to go the city and so some shopping. As soon as Canty woke up from his nap, we were on our way.
The drive to Ottawa was my favorite part of the afternoon. I actually got to talk to my sister about other stuff, deeper stuff (not just babies and gossip). It is nice to connect to her.
One moment in particular, We were talking about feeling sensitive in the world, and how our extremely sensitive emotions have created dilemmas for us growing up. She asked me if I ever rehashed old conversations in my head, things I have said in the past, that embarrassed me. She asked me if I ever replayed those conversations over and over again for days, constantly feeling embarrassed. I told her I did that all the time, really who didn’t? We talked about crazy that is. You put yourself under so much scrutiny over something you said, but really the recipient to that conversation probably doesn’t even remember that moment at all.
I got to thinking, We all do this, scrutinize and degrade ourselves. We live in our own heads, worried about appearance and how we present our selves. We are worried about first impressions and what to show people who we are so we will be liked. Really, most of us just simply want to be liked. It isn’t too much to ask for, We just don’t want to feel alone. We want to make friends and be someone that people want to be around. I think most of us want this, too some extent.
More moments like this happened this weekend. Moments of honesty.
I took my children to church on Sunday. I had to teach Sunday school so we headed out earlier then usual. Once we go there and were setting up, I knew that today was not the best day to try and ‘control’ my children. Canty was extra squirmy and active and the Ladies were recovering from a sleep over. They were exhausted and full of epic melt downs. In the first 30 minutes we were there, there was 4 meltdowns and I had to retrieve my son and a handful of craft supplies from a reverends dog’s water dish. Needless to say, I had little patience. I got through teaching a basket weaving craft with the kids (while trying to not get frustrated by the ample amount of whining by the Ladies and glue eating by Canty.) We got through the craft moderately unscathed, but then It came. A moment I am not proud of. I seemed to be pulling off ‘church mom’ pretty well ( I should have seen this as a sign, I should never try and ‘pull’ off anything. I should really just be myself….) until the whining melt down of the century occurred. The basket was not looking like it should for my daughter Charlotte. It was not what the oldest girls basket looked like and she lost her mind. Screaming, crying and whining. I had no patience left. I spoke to her in a tone that was not anything I heard form any other church moms. I just wanted it to end.
After Sunday school, We headed up to church and it didn’t really get much better. Canty was trying to play the organ, The twins were fighting and crying about the most interactions they were having with each other. The girls were chasing Canton around. It was chaos. I finally told them all to sit. The girls started to cry, Canty squirmed and screamed. They were all ‘off’. I knew this was going nowhere fast so I scooped them all up and headed started to head home. I plunked the kids at the back of the church and went back to our pew to get my bag. Tears of frustration were streaming down my face as I listened to all three of a kids scream in the back vestibule. Once I approached my kids, It was obvious that I was crying.
I went to pick up a toddler boy from a full melt down off the floor when I felt a tap on my shoulder. A woman I have never seen before came to help me. She was probably a mother too, maybe ever a grandmother. She saw that I was gone. Lost in my mind and feeling alone. She wanted to help me and I was too embarrassed. Screaming children and a crying mom. I said thank you but we were heading out and quickly rushed out of there.
I wish I would have hugged her. cried on her shoulder for a moment. Thanked her for saving me from the chaos. I wish I would have let her help. But I didn’t, because I was too embarrassed by the way I appeared.
I walked home with the kids, distraught and frustrated wanting nothing more then to get home, leave them with daddy and disappear for a few hours. I though that would be the best way for me to deal. Disappear into my head.
But there were other plans for me.
Once we arrived home, the kids got into the kitchen first and were yelling at me to come quick. Daddy had made lunch for us and it was waiting on the table. Once in the house with a vibrant and happy Daddy, the kids livened up. They laughed, they ate and then they went up stairs for a nap.
I didn’t disappear and go to be alone. I stayed and laughed. I stayed and slept with them. I stayed among people who wanted to help.
What I am learning form all these ‘lessons’ and ‘moments’ from the weekend is that we need to feel embarrassed together. It is that only way truth can be seen and we can help each other. This world is a lonely place when we hide our truth and hide our honest selves. We need to ask for help and let people in. Cry in the arms of women a church and laugh off our embarrassing moments together.
I know these signs were placed in my life to remind me to let people in. To remember I cannot do everything. To remind me that I cannot do this alone. None of us can do this alone. We have to let each other in.
“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.”