I am part of a whole, I am not alone.

There is this man we see everyday of the school week.
He is a bus driver who we pass on our way to pick up the school aged boys I babysit.
Every day he tells me I am super mom and deserve a medal.
Each day I laugh graciously, make brief chit chat and then move on my way with the kiddies.

Today he actually gave me a medal.
A supermom medal.

On a day I feel the furthest from deserving that honour.

Today I stared at a 8 month old and demanded he go to sleep. I spoke to him in a tone that I wouldn’t dare speak outside the walls of my home.
Today I read stories to three toddlers. I read them rushed and with no energy. I sucked the fun out of story time because I was tired and needed a break.
Today I lost my cool. The kids were demanding my attention in 4 different directions. The baby was strapped to my chest having a melt down because he was exhausted and three toddlers grabbed at me. I lost it. I was counting to ten trying to cool down and stay patient but it truly wasn’t doing anything to help my mind calm down. So it decided on a different route. A route that I am not proud of. I threw a hissy fit. I stomped my feet and screamed at the top lungs. It was a full out horror movie scream. I was mad and everybody and nobody. I was frustrated and cornered.
I scared all the kids and immediately regretted my reaction. I apologized and reassured them all that it wasn’t anyone’s fault and that I was simply feel frustrated.

But there was no doubt that I was feeling far from super mom.

Then we walk to the school and see our bus driver friend, and he hands me a gift. It is a medal that say ‘supermom award’ and a picture of us he took last week. We all looked so happy.
He truly has no idea how important that was.
How it made me feel and made me think.
That gentle and kind man dug me out from a pit of self loathing.
He made me believe that I am not alone and that there is love all around me.

Right now I still don’t feel like super mom but I do feel better.

The universe works in magical ways, teaching (when I am willing to be taught) that there is love and support waiting for me. That it will be there whenever I am ready to love myself and realize that I am not nearly as ‘horrible’ as I feel I am.

“A human being is part of a whole, called by us the Universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circles of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.” -Albert Einstein

Much love,

Jessica

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