joyful immersion

For me, and for many of us, our first waking thought of the day is “I didn’t get enough sleep.” The next one is “I don’t have enough time.” Whether true or not, that thought of  ‘not enough’ occurs to us automatically before we even think to question or examine it. 
We spend most of the hours and the days of our lives hearing, explaining, complaining or worrying about what we don;t have enough of …
We don’t exercise enough
We don’t have enough work
We don’t have enough profits
We don’t have enough power 
We don’t have enough wilderness
We don’t have enough weekends
We don’t have enough money- ever. 
We are not thin enough. 
We’re not smart enough, 
we’re not pretty enough or fit enough or educated or successful enough, 
or rich enough-ever. 
Before we even sit up in bed, before or feet even touch the floor, we are already inadequate, already behind, already losing, already lacking something. And by the time we go to bed at night, our minds race with litany of what we didn’t get, or didn’t get done , that day. 
We go to sleep burdened by those thoughts and wake up to the reverie of lack…
What begins as a simple expression of the hurried life, or even the challenged life, grows into the great justification for an unfulfilled life. 
– Lynne Twist (The Soul of Money)

I read this passage today. 
It made me feel. 
Strong and intense feelings. 
I recognized and connected to these words. 

I read it again and again.
over and over.

I know I  ‘go there’ to often; to the place of inadequacies and failure. 
I know I have mastered that role.
The self deprecating woman.
A woman who wishes she wasn’t but always is striving to ‘fit in’
A woman who can quite quickly be thrown down from her ‘happiness high horse’ by sight of someone else’s  bigger and prettier home, nicer furniture, fancier car, well behaved children or more expensive and stylish wardrobes.
A woman who compares, judges and breaks down. 
A woman who hides behind her eccentric personality to mask the feelings of shame for not being enough. 
A woman who believes she is sometimes not worthy of all the blessing she has been given. 
  
This is a dangerous place. 
A place of darkness. 
It is hard to see our beauty, 
our adequacy, 
our incredible and unique imperfection, 
when we are wallowing in the dark. 
Just by reading the words of Lynne Twist and realizing that I am not alone in the feeling of ‘not enough’, 
I realized that I am enough. 
I started in darkness and ended in light. 
I was shown my beauty. 
I felt empowered with the knowledge that I can choose the intention. 
I can choose to feel satisfied. 
I can choose to be grateful. 
I can choose to feel joyful. 
I am joyfully immersing myself into a world of uncertainty. 
A world of imperfection.
A world where I am enough. 
Much love, 
Jessica
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