Last night was a tough one.
I felt done!
Exhausted, wrote off and completely drained of all ‘nice’ qualities that I can posses.
I was an impatient and grumpy shell of my former self.
It all went sideways at dinnertime.
The kids and I had gone for a walk. We arrived back at the ‘humble abode’ at 5:00 pm. It was a beautiful walk.
It was a gorgeous afternoon, just my little ones and I. I felt so free and happy on our fun little adventure across town.
Then I walked into my warm and cozy kitchen. I realized how tired I was. I was so tired.
I was also on my own. Court had gone to the gym.
These kids needed to be fed, bathed and put to bed. It took all my energy just to get my Ugg boots off. The task at hand seemed daunting and only put me in a worse mood.
How was I suppose to rummage up a suitable meal?
Could I throw a bag of Cheetos at them and call it a night?
And why was it when that frosty and fun walk that made me feel so tired, only lit the torch under the asses of my children?
Canty napped on our walk and was ready and raring to go once we were home, and Chloe and Charlotte appeared like they had eaten a bag of sugar, each.
So much energy!
So little left in me.
I turned on my favourite tool of distraction, the television.
I plunked three little kids in front of ‘Little Einsteins’ and waddled slowly to the kitchen to prepare the best meal of my life….
Cream Cheese and Ham wraps with cucumbers.
In my ‘mom book’, I was feeling guilty for copping out of dinner, making such a simple supper. But to my girls it was the best dinner ever. They weren’t be forced to eat their veggies (Cucumbers are the only veggie they eat willingly.) And they love wraps.
You would think that the fact that they were happy with my dinner would put me in a great place, but it only lead my exhausted mind to think the ‘bad things’ like..
Why the heck do I try and make good wholesome food when all you want to eat is wraps?
I knew after that moment that I was going to be naturally drawn into frustration and self pity. That was were the night was going, and I was too tired to stop it.
The freight train of self destruction was barreling over me and it was too much for my self worth to push the brakes.
Bath time had the same flow to it as dinner did.
A frustrated and tired mama with three kids who were full of beans.
I did not see the joy in splashing water everywhere, I just saw a mess.
I didn’t hear the fun in their sequels, I just heard to much noise.
And I hate to admit this one but I didn’t even see the joy in my favorite bedtime routine, the post bath massage. I just saw it as something else I had to do.
I was in bad place last night. It was rough. I knew it, my husband sensed it and my kids felt it.
I finally got everything aligned for going to bed. Canty was asleep, the twins were tucked in and I was feeling awful. I was mean and grumpy. My poor kids were taking the brunt of my frustration. They seemed like they knew they were walking on egg shells.
I knew I had to do something to make this better, for me and for them. I decided to climb into bed with Chloe and Charlotte.
We had some good cuddles and some kisses. I smelt the sweet fragrance of lavender on my girls. I felt the warmth of their little bodies as the three of us curled up in their princess bed. Chloe’s tiny little hand stroked my hair and I knew that is was OK. They loved me, scars and all.
I apologized for being ‘mean mama’ and we were still in the simple moment of acceptance and love.
I felt better and I hoped they did too.
I realized that not every moment in parenthood has to be poetic and amazing.
It is OK that I most encounters with my children are not resloved in ways you would see in a ‘how to parent properly’ book.
It can be messy.
There are awful moments.
Moments that you wish you could rewind.
Moments in which I think that I am such an awful mama’s for letting the walls down and the whole world (including my kids) see all the s**t that I have bottled up.
But this is human nature.
No one is perfect.
And though I was a less then perfect mama last night, I feel better today.
The morning bring new light in the form of a fresh perspective and a good nights sleep.