lose the guilt

* warning: This was a very cathartic post for me tonight
It doesn’t always make sense but I needed to write tonight.
the blue moon is making me feel a little “crazy”.
 
 
How can one day feel so alive and bright and the next you are searching deep within your soul to find the strength to face your day?
Today was a day in which I would have loved to have escaped in the security of my bed.
Keep my head under the pillow and sleep away the day.
So bear with my post,  I feel a strong desire right now to speak my feelings, no matter how bad/guilty they make me feel.
 
 
 
It all starts with the fact that I am loner by nature.
Before I had kids, it was not uncommon for me to ‘run away’ for a day.
Escape.
Be alone.
Not talk to anyone.
Drink coffee and read books.
Go to movies alone.
Have dinner by myself.
All day.
Escape my world.
Escape my own reality.
Create a new one even for a few hours.
 
 
This never happens anymore.
 
I miss that.
 
I cannot escape my reality.
It is always with me now.
 
I am sure many can agree with me when I say that staying home with your kids can feel lonely at times.
Especially on the exceptionally low days where life is throwing alot of lemons your way.
On my low days, Loneliness is a very strong feeling.
 
 
But there is one truth with parenthood,
you never really alone.
 
They are with you all the time.
Physically,
Emotionally,
and Spiritually.
 
They surround you at all times.
 
This should be a good thing, right?
I love my kids.
They are incredible.
They fill my days with joy and fulfillment.
Their unconditional love for they “much less then perfect” mother is astounding and some days undeserved.
Then why do some days simply thinking about what lies ahead exhaust me?
 
 
There are these rare moments where I disappear into a different world.
A different me.
But before I know it the guilt drifts in.
The guilt that says
“how selfish of you to think of yourself first”
that dreaded guilt that you have forgotten them,
that you aren’t making them a priority.
The guilt that tells you how selfish you are for thinking of yourself first.
 
Life can be hard.
Harder then we realize sometimes.
and guilt gets you nowhere.
 
It makes you no more stronger.
or wiser, compassionate or joyful.
 
It destroys your self worth.
Makes you doubt your own truths.
Guilt is a dark and negative place to be.
 
 
 
Let  it go Jess.
Release the guilt.
You cannot control what has been done.
You can only look to the future to be brighter.
 
Guilt is holding you back.
Let yourself look forward.
 
 
 
 
 
 
I don’t believe in guilt, I believe in living on impulse as long as you never intentionally hurt another person, and don’t judge people in your life. I think you should live completely free.
-Angelina Jolie
 
Much love,
 
Jessica
 
 
 
 

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