This is not me anymore.

I am a ‘yeller’. 
A loud talker. 
A passionate person. 
When I am angry, I yell, scream, whine, I have an attitude and throw hissy fits. 
I always have been like this.
Ask my mom or my husband, who is the far opposites of a passionate fighter. 
They  would tell you in a heartbeat that I am very easily sent from 0 to 100 with the wrong comment or stressful situation.
My coping skills with anger and frustration have become stunted in adolescent development. 
I behave like a disgruntled teenager when things don’t go ‘my way’. 
I used to accept this as part of me. 
I had a ‘This is who I am, deal with it‘ kind of attitude. 
But not lately. 
Lately I realize that I hate this part of me. 
As a stay at home mom, I am realizing that I have no control over how things go. 
‘My way’ rarely happens. 
Therefore I spend a lot of time feeling frustrated.
Having 2 year old’s has shown me yelling is not cool and unfortunately I do yell at them when I am frustrated.
I hate that I scream or have an attitude towards them but sometimes I get so lost in how to deal with my own anger and frustration that I lose my cool.
Having 2 year old’s has shown me that whining is incredibly annoying. 
Nobody seriously listens to a whiner. 
And having 2 year old’s has shown me that hissy fits get you no where.
You end up alone, screaming on the floor. 
But the big question is, 
How do I change?
How do I stop this vicious cycle that has become my only coping mechanism to frustration?
(and let me tell you, being 33 weeks and having twins girls leads to many opportunities in a day to feel frustrated)
I need some one on my shoulder using the same statements with me as I use with my girls. 
“Jessica, don’t yell. Just talk”
“Jessica, please use your kind words”
“Jessica, why don’t you take a moment alone to calm down”
I think what I am going to try an do is picture my beautiful little girls, one on each shoulder, telling me to calm down. 
Maybe they will help me to remember that I want this cycle to stop.
and I especially don’t want to pass this down to my girls. 
I want to stop feeling guilty about how I act and I want  accept my anger, stress and frustration for what it is and not take it out on my loved ones.
If anyone has any other suggestions on how I can establish better coping mechanisms with stress, anger and frustration, I would love to hear them!
It is quite obvious that I am a little lost on this subject…
I hope all of you are having a wonderful day!
and Smile.
You have no idea how powerful your smile may be today!
“For every moment you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
Much love, 

3 thoughts on “This is not me anymore.

  1. I think you sounded completely human in that post. You are an amazing mom, and I think that maybe those coping mechanisms are just one of your endearing traits, like you said at the beginning, it shows your passion! Best of luck to you in your new endeavor & I hope your new strategy gives you peace…just don't change too much & be too hard on yourself, you're great the way you are 🙂

  2. You could try making little signs that say:"Jessica, don't yell. Just talk""Jessica, please use your kind words""Jessica, why don't you take a moment alone to calm down"and putting them up to remind you.I'm sure you don't always all out lose it even when you really want to…think about it…there have got to be people that make you really angry but you don't yell at them….like the elderly..or other people's kids….what stops you from losing it on them? Sometimes children are like fine are…you need to step back a bit so you can enjoy the view. Stay well my little mommma friend. 🙂

  3. Well put Jess! I think we are all a little like you as parents. It can be really frustrating sometimes and we just get through it. The good thing is, you realize your faults and that you are human. I go through the same things you have mentioned above and then feel guilty about expressing my frustration with Cam sometimes. It's just a part of life I guess. Hang in there – you are doing a great job!

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