This weekend was my little girls 2nd birthday.
|Chloe enjoying a chocolate treat 🙂|
|Charlotte reading her new book 🙂|
It went without a hitch. We had a winter sliding party for them and they seemed to have a blast playing with all their cousins and little buddies.
It was really great.
The milestone of their 2nd birthday not only brought back reminiscent feelings of the intense development of the girls over the last two years but also brought many feelings of personal growth.
I have been working on my feelings and interpretation of myself over the last two years.
I have come to a point of judgement or better yet observation of who I am today and how I got here.
I struggled quite a bit.
I made many mistakes.
I have honestly changed who I am.
For quite some time I rebelled against who I was becoming.
I fought with the changes that were being made.
One part of me knew that this was the right path for me and another part of me wanted to go in a different direction.
It has been a tough journey to where I am.
Simply put, I am a full time mom.
I have lost my old identity.
I am learning how to find a new one.
I have lost who I was before kids.
I hated this idea before.
I knew that person.
I knew where I stood and and who I was.
Now I am discovering who this new person is and how she fits into the life I have.
The life that I live on a daily basis.
In the last two years I have been through a gamete of emotions.
It started with excitement, joy and elation of having children.
Seeing their beautiful eyes stare back at me with all the love in the world.
It slowly moved into struggle.
Challenge, difficulty and on some days depression.
Not only did those beautiful eyes look up at me with love but they also look up at me with intense dependence.Their lives were in my hands. I was the protector of their safety.
It was a hard task to handle.
Once things seemed to balance out with the dependence and development of my children, they grew and became little people who still needed me but were finding their own in the world.
The focus was moved to me.
There was rebellion.
There was frustration.
How I am going to fit everything I want to be into this one life?
How can I live in this new life and still be the person I was?
And now I am realizing this new phase I am in.
I cannot do everything.
I cannot be everything.
I am only me.
The person I was to be.
But I am far from where I want to be as a mom, as a wife and as a person.
I don’t say this to sound self-pitying and depressed.
I say this as a statement, a simple honest statement.
Maybe that is where we all are.
Striving to be better.
Striving to do better.
I know I have come along way in being the happier, relaxed and respectful person I want to be.
To live life to the fullest.
I am not better or worst then anyone else.
We are all on the same journey, just with different paths.
I want to be able to wake up each morning knowing that today will bring happiness because I will put out into the world the message that I am happy where I am.
I do not expect perfection.
I do not expect life to hand me roses everyday.
I am happy to have what is dealt to me know.
I am less resistant to what will be.