kindness

I am feeling a little run down this week.
I get like this every now and again.
I feel torn in to many directions and need a break.

What I have usually done in the past when this occurs is tried to power through it.
Allow my self to get on through the pain and exhaustion and keep on motoring at a fast speed.

I have realized that specific method is not what works for me.

I end up failing miserably.
I try to power on through but end up canceling all appointments and events and wallowing in my own self pity and exhaustion.

I am taking a new path at conquering this, I am stepping back.
I am giving my body and mind time to heal and rest.
I am fulfilling my responsibilities with all the vigor I have but not doing anything above and beyond.
I am taking time for me and not feeling guilty about  it.

We push ourselves to much, don’t we?
we expect to be able to do everything.
But we simply can’t.
As women, I think we live in a world of guilt.
When we can’t do everything we want or need to do, we end up batting ourselves and placing intense guilt on our shoulders.
That is not nice.
That is not right.
We all need room to heal and rest.
We all need time for that.

Be kind to yourselves today!

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.
Plato

Much love,

Jessica

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The pact, a teenage love story

I just finished reading “The Pact” By Jodi Picoult.
I couldn’t put it down.
I powered through it in 2 days, which in my world latley is record speed.

It read like a typical ‘Jodi Picoult’ book. It felt like I was part of a ‘made-for-TV melodrama’.
I did however like it. (I enjoy ‘made-for- TV Melodrama).

The story was was unpredicatable in a way the Picoult has mastered.
You already know what is going on and have a great idea what will occur, but she always reveals a vital piece of the story that changes everything in the last 3-4 chapters.
In my opinion, It was a deeply touching (yet sometimes unbelievable) teenage love story.
A story of the depths of first love and the anguish of those vital teenage years.

I enjoyed the book but could easily see how others may not feel the same way. Slighty pedictable and a little over the top, it may not go down s easily for others.
I didn’t think to deeply into it and just enjoyed it for what it was worth.

I do however suggest checking it out.

Much love,

Jessica

My voice

I have been thinking alot about my writing.
Why do I write?
Why do I feel inclined to write a blog?
Why do I make my writing public?
Why no jt stick to a personal journal?us
Am i looking for approval?
Am I trying to be a writer?
Am I ‘a writer’ of sorts?
Do my words mean anything to others?
Do I want my words to mean anything?

I am not sure why I am searching for these answers.
Why can I not just accept that I like to write and blogging is a great venue for it.
What is this need in me to know all the answers?
Why do I question something that just feels natural?

What has come from all this questioning is the evaluation of an activity that I take great pride in doing.
An evaluation of my writing…
blogging or journalling.

My writing defines my existence.
Defines my life,
Defines my great loves, my hates and everything in between.
It creates a hard copy of my feelings and passions.
It allows me to reevaluate and look over the things I feel so passionately about.

I may be grammatically incorrect at times and my style may be off,
But I don’t care.
This is my voice and I will speak in the way I was meant to,
Honestly and from the deepest part of my heart.

I wish you all a wonderful day.

Much love,

Jessica

simplicity in our existence

I was reading one of my favourite blogs yesterday, and the writer was talking about cherishing the mundane.
When I read the title, my immediate thought was how boring that sounded.
Mundane?
Doesn’t that imply normal, uneventful?

As I read her blog post, I got her point.
It did mean cherish the uneventful tasks, the boring stuff we do each day.
If we weren’t able to do those things, how would we feel?
What if I was in a physical or emotional state where doing my mundane tasks was impossible.
Like dressing my children in the morning, driving to work or making breakfast.
What if even getting out of bed was to much?

There are thousands of people in the world that struggle with their physical and mental states everyday. It makes it hard for them to preform their day to day activities.
How does that struggle feel?

I am sure most of them would love to just be able to preform simple and boring tasks of a usual day without a second thought.

I don’t have to worry about that in my own existence.
Physically I am OK and on most days emotionally I am fine.
I am able to do my day to day activities with out a thought.
So why do I still thrive for more complexity, drama and intensity in my life?

I steer away from mundane.
I see it as boring.
I am always on the move.
Always planning and anticipating.
Not living in the moment.
I am scared to get bored.
Scared to stay still.

I have to conquer that fear.
Embrace my simple life.
Cherish my mundane.
Appreciate the amazing life I was given.
I was given a life with little drama and complexity
(and really any drama that is in it is due to my obsession with creating drama )

My life is good. Simple.

Time for me to see that.
Time for me to embrace my mundane.

Struggles and battles
Change and acceptance
Why do we fight for improvement?
When right before our eyes is something wonderful
A life full of simplicity in our pure existence

I wish you all a wonderful day!

Much love,

Jessica

the new beginning of each day

Do you ever have one of those mornings where you wake up and feel really good?
You are happy and everything is working out around you.
Things seem right in the world.
It’s the type of waking up feelings that makes you wonder why it has felt so hard on earlier mornings.

Today I feel that way.
I woke up and feel happy.
Content and awake.

It could be that I had a good sleep.
It could be that I had a good yoga class last night.
It could be my new net book that my lovely husband bought for me.
I am truly not sure why I feel so good this morning but everything is looking up.

Yesterday was a tough day.
A real low.
I felt lost and angry, for no particular reason.
But yesterday is gone and only what is left in today and the rest of my life.

Last night I ended my yoga class like I end every yoga class, We get into the fetal position and I say ‘allow the pose to remind you that with every ending is a new beginning’
Last night the quote resonated with me.
I allowed me to remember that with all the mistakes of yesterday, I can still move on.
There is a new beginning.
Today.

I wish you all a wonderful day!

Much love,

Jessica

a dark and encapsulating story

I just finished reading ‘water for elephants’ for the second time. One of my book clubs are reading it this month and planning on attending the movie after our book discussion.
I rad this book about 3 years ago, so I decided to refresh my memory and read it again!
 I was glad I did!
I love this book.
 I love the author’s style of writing.
Her words drop you right in the middle of the world of the travelling circuses in an economically depressed America.
I truly didn’t think that I would enjoy the storyline and plot due to the whole circus aspect but I was pleasantly surprised. I
I reads smoothly and goes down so well.
It is entertaining and enchanting.
A lovely story.
A sad story.
A beautiful love story with a dark side.
you should really check this book out.
I cannot wait to see how it pans out on the big screen.
I wish you all a wonderful night!
Much love,
Jessica

The need for a pause in time

growing old.
aging.
growing up.
maturing.

what do you think of when we talk about growing older?

Do you think of your young children learning to walk and talk?
Do you think of your adult children moving away or getting married?
Do you think of retirement?
Do you think of your parents changing as they age?
Do you think of you and how you will grace age?
Does it bring feelings of happiness and anticipation for the future?
Does age bring feelings of stress or anxiety of the unknown?

The idea of growing up is stuck in my head this week.
We have been going through a few things in my world to entice me to ponder the concept of age and life.
A few are optimistic and exciting, like our daughters growing older.
They are walking, running and talking.
(They are saying more works now like car,cookie, juice and duckie. Charlotte is walking and Chloe is running. )
Also we hired our first teenage babysitter for our girls.
This weekend we are going out for a few hours Saturday night and instead of asking our parents which is what we always do, we decided to hire a teenage girl who we trust.
Court and I were saying that it made us feel all grown up (as if being married and having twins was not enough) but for whatever reason the act of hiring a sitter made us feel ‘all adult like’.
I really doesn’t feel that long ago when I was getting calls from mom’s to babysit their kids on Saturday nights.
These to me are positive, happy feelings of age and growing up.
It is exciting to watch the growth of my children intellectually, physically and emotionally.
But in my world some acts of aging do not bring such feelings of joy.

I have recently began noticing age in the people I love.
I watch my grandparents age and the idea that we are all delicate beings that do not last forever hits me like a ton of bricks.
Age has especially hit my grandpa and notice how father time has taken a toll on his body and mind.
I have to endure the feelings of watching the strong man who protected my mom, my sisters and all of my family with such vigor and passion, slowly let of go of his strength to the powers of time.
I makes me feel sad to notice that one of the smartest men I know sometimes can’t seem to get his thoughts straight and gets frustrated.
It makes me feel sad to watch my mom, step dad, uncles, and aunts take care of my grandpa.
They all love my grandpa dearly and stay strong for his behalf, but I am sure it cannot be easy for them.
It is much harder for children to watch the grandchildren to watch.
We expect to watch our grandparents age. As children grandparents are always old and mysterious.
Their stories and grey hairs intrigue us a little children and we grow up knowing that eventually we will miss our grandparents. This though is a sad though for us grandchildren but it is more accepted from the beginning.
But it is always hard to watch a parent age.
They are our protectors and saviours.
 Even of you step up to the plate gracefully to aid your aging parent it still is hard to watch and endure.
I also feel heartache for my grandma who has such a hard time watching the strong man she knows slowly weaken with the weight of his long existence.
She mourns her loss of the man she knew and the life she knew.
She has a lack of an outlet to express these feelings in a healthy way.
It is hard for her to care for him and accept his dependency.
This makes me sad.

I know that in life we live in a full circle.
We start as babies and children need to depend on others for our primal existence.
We slowly grow into independent people of society and flourish if given the right environment.
Eventually we come around to dependency again.
We need help with tasks before that were not a problem for us.
We cannot be alone.
As we age we seem to digress to a version of our inner children.
In my grandpas case, his digression seems to be accepted by him as he moves along.
He takes each step one at a time and though he seems to get frustrated now and again, he handles it the best out of anyone.
It is much harder for us. His family.
We have a hard time accepting.
We are losing something and cannot accept it.

Age can be a terrible and wonderful thing to watch unfold into the matrix of our lives.
It can mean growth and development, but it can also be understood as digression and dependancy.
We mourn the past and look to those very happy times.
We are happy in a certain space and time.
Why are you so cruel to take that away from us?

Just pause this moment time and lets stay here.
Stay here forever.
Happy and content.

Unfortunately that is not our option.
We have not control.
We only have our acceptance.
Just let it be.
Take in each moment with all the love and happiness that you can because the one thing we can count on is that we will never get this exact moment in time again.

I wish you all a wonderful day!

Much love,

Jessica