A step at a time

Hi, my name is Jessica and I am an over eater.”

I know I have blogged about my troubles with trying to be a healthier person, well it seems I have come to a cross roads again.

I not only overeat but I am serious emotional eater. Actually I am not sure if I am an emotional eater or a woman who overeats terribly unhealthy food then to deal with the guilt and anger of what I just did, I eat more to cover it up. I guess that is a emotional eater. I still haven’t quite figured out the root of my negative relationship with food. I think that might be the key to allowing me to figure out how to stop this vicious cycle.

 Once I start on that downward spiral of over eating, I get so frustrated that I got myself here that I think,

Well I already messed up by eating all this stuff, I might as well keep going.”  

I can’t seem to deal with this imperfection. I want to be perfect with food. I want to eat the right foods and the right amount of foods. I don’t want to be the person who has to think about food all the time. I don’t want to feel that I am constantly listening to my inner dialogue arguing about if I should or should not eat a big mac. I don’t want to be using food as a crutch to get through tough times, boredom, sadness, anger or loneliness. I want to be able to naturally choose healthier options instead of always forcing myself to do it. I don’t want to be tied down by food.  I get mad at my self for not being like other people. Other people don’t act like this. Other people are normal when it come to food. I make my self believe I am a freak with food and it makes me feel disgusting. Just thinking about the the negativity I bring by not being able to deal with my over eating makes me want to over eat more. I feel overwhelmed and frustrated.

I understand the idea of imperfection and accepting who I am. I comprehend that each day is a journey and I have to accept what I have been given. I know that I am not ‘other people’ and I am just me, that is all I have to work with.  I totally get that we have our battles and we choose the level of force we put into fighting them to achieve a state of happiness.
So when it come to my relationship to food, why can I can’t I accept my imperfection, just be me and work at changing the negativity?

I think that when it come to food and I, I have truly been ignoring it for a long time. I am not allowing myself to accept my imperfections. I see other people with ‘normal’ relationships with food and think I can be just like them. Why not, right?  I believe that I talk myself into believing that this is an easy fix.

Just stop overindulging. Eat the correct portion sizes. Choose naturally healthy food choices.

That is truly what I need to do. I know that. The fix is simple but if it was that simple for me actually put into practice, I would have done it. But the problem runs deeper then that. If that was all I needed to do, I can assure you I would have done it years ago. There is an unfortunate complexity to the reasons on why I still make emotional impromptu decisions about my food and choose to over eat.

Today I am going to tackle this in a different way. I may not completely understand the root cause of my issue but I need to readjust my method, as the way I am going now it definitely not work.  Instead of a ‘do or die’ mentality, I am going to take it one step at a time, one meal at a time, one day at a time. I decided today to write out a menu for myself, a healthy one. I will follow it loosely. The healthy ideas are there but I don’t want to feel to tied down to a food regime. I don’t want to allow myself to become ‘addicted’ to counting and tracking. I simply want to change my choice process. If I find myself feeling like I need to drift to unhealthy choices and binge eat, I am simply going to ask myself why.

Why do I feel the need to do that?
What am I feeling right now and what else can I do to help me with that specific emotion? 

I am hoping that the act of questioning myself and truly honoring the way I am feeling rather then covering them up with food will help me to make the right and appropriate choices. If anything it will help me to stay connected to my food choices and emotions.

A habit cannot be tossed out a window, it must be coaxed down the stairs a step at a time
-Mark Twain

I am OK with imperfection. I can see the beauty in the imperfections of life but I am ready to allow positive change to my imperfections to create happiness.

I wish you all a wonderful day!

Much love,

Jessica

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